quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
