summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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