I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
