Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
