God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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