You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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