You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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