just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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