First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
