Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
