I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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