thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
