my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
