what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
