Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Randomize
