I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
