I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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