i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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