I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I wish there were birth control emojis
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
