I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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