On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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