Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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