Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
