Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
