grandma shit on top of the toilet
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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