I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
