You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
