whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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