My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
