so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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