I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
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