somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
