Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
