First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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