he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
