My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
