you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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