Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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