god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
