What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize