Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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