in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
