I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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