I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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