So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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