you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
