he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
