I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
