my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize