I faked an abortion last night.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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