I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
