I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
