This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
