VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
