we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
