i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
