hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize