i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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