smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
