I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
