The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I need mimosas to revive my soul
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
