she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Randomize
