It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
