The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
