you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
